COLLECTION/STORY/NEWS: Who knows?

All of the sudden my life has become an endless string of hotel rooms, room-service and strangers…

Yup, that’s what I was thinking, alone in a hotel rooom again, when the phone rang. It was my friend Biz (no, not Biz Markie, Business-minded Mike—the only guy I know my age who carries an honest to goodness briefcase). It seems Biz couldn’t wait to find out what the deal is with this marriage thing, what’s going on, and when the next post would be going up. Truth be told, I didn’t have a clue. I mean, I’ve been pretty busy lately with other stuff; I’ve got like 30 fun projects in mind, but like I said, I haven’t had the time…

Still, I was kinda itching to fill you all in on project “hitch me baby one more time.”
“So just do it fucker,” he said, “mix it up… who cares… it’s a work in progress, I get it, just put something up.”
Fair enough.

So here goes… two collections of pointless pictures, some news and some numbers—all mixed up (per Mikey’s request)…

PS—Let me beat you to the punch: I know these pictures aren’t flattering, but fuck it, they make me smile.

Let’s start it off simple: The stats.



Of the 162 entries I’ve gotten at illmarrysomeguyfromtheinternet@gmail.com...



...as of this posting…



…151 seem to have come from women—actual women…



…of course, there’s no way of knowing how sincere they are about their offers, but still…



…4 claim to have appeared in Playboy…



…3 sent proof…



…2 have been in FHM (selected by me in a past life)—not that I care…



…one had dissed me in high-school…



…how cool is that?



No really, think about that…



…I crushed on her so hard, but she had no interest. Now she thinks I’m cool. It’s a crazy world.



Anyway, 8 of the 162 were submitted incomplete…



…as in they were missing either a phone number, picture, or reason why we should get hitched.



Of those, two piqued my interest…



…but neither got back to me with a phone number or picture, so I’m going to have to assume either they were fake, or they’ve since thought better of sending a stranger their info.



I got several from other countries…



Sorry, gotta take a break to catch my breath… OK… that’s better…



…and quite a few from foreigner nationals, living locally, interested in me for, uh, visa purposes.



3 came from people who had no idea who I was, what I looked like, or anything…



..I have no idea how they even came to respond. Or why.



One told me she’d heard about it through a friend.



Oh, best of all, one lady sent me pictures of her apartment…



…a massive place on the upper west side…



…and she said that if I wanted to live there rent-free, I wouldn’t even have to marry her and I could even have my own bed-room…



…so I called her to find out what exactly she DID want.



“Oh, just to freak out my soon-to-be ex-husband who still thinks he can drop by unexpectedly.” Not quite what I’m looking for, but AWESOME.



That said, so far I’ve only had time to answer about 1/4 of the people who replied…



…and so far, most of my replies have read “Thanks for your interest. I’m kinda busy, but I haven’t forgotten about you.” That sucks.



Over the next few days though, I’m going to start calling people. I’m not sure what’ll happen next but I’ll take it from there.



Stay tuned.