COLLECTION: What, I Amuse You? Like a Clown?

Sorry it’s been so long since my last post. One per week is about 6 fewer than I’d put up if I had my way, but I’ve been kind of busy lately.

Actually, I’ve been more than kinda busy, I’ve CRAZY busy.

So busy in fact that I forgot to pay my bills and this here web-site actually disappeared for a few hours mid-week.

So busy in fact that I actually went a whole day without eating (it simply didn’t occur to me—I didn’t have the time).

But also so busy that when my good friend Corinne, er Mistress Harlequin, suggested I come to something called a “Mondo Porno” party, it sounded like a good excuse to get out and enjoy myself for a few hours. Besides, how could I say no to this face?




The thing is, moments after I arrived, she told me it was some kind of freaky clown party. (Its funny, because of the way the flash glare blocks out part of my left eye it kind of looks like I'm multitasking, right?)




I know it looked like I was enjoying myself when I took my nephew to the circus—and I was—but truth be told, clowns kind of scare me out. Still Cor, er, Harlequin talked me into staying. “Come on, take pictures,” she said, “it’ll be fun.”




My friend Diva was there—but in the make-up, even she was frightening.




Nervous as I was, I decided to hide behind my camera and wander around some. So far so good.




Corsets are cool.




Whoopee cushions are fun, I can handle that.




And I could definitely handle that.




A clown stripper?




Er, fair enough, sure.




But then things went from weird to W-E-I-R-D.




Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…




…hhhhhhhhhhhhhh….




…hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..




….hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….




….hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….




“You’re freaks. You’re all freaks. Make it stop. Make it stop!” No one was listening.




In fact, Harliquine burst onto the stage…




…threw a clown down and peed on her.




Ahhhhhhh…..




The strange thing is, the more I watched the madness, the less it all seemed to bother me.




Yeah, maybe this wasn’t so bad.




I guess I was getting into it.




The question is: was I becoming desensitized, kind of a ‘whatever doesn’t kill me only makes me stronger’-thing, or was just watching all of this stuff actually changing me?




It’d be hard to say… but I was feeling different, I just couldn’t put a finger on why.




It’s like the answer was right in front of me…




…but somehow I just couldn’t…




…wait a minute.




Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.



Oh well, I guess I’m one of them now.




And now, it’s news time: Having read the comments after my last post (COLLECTION: Making Something Special) I’ve decided not to give up my dreams of cloning my bone. But I’ve also decided not to be so selfish. That’s right, I’m going to share the joy. I’ve ordered 7 kits. Five of my little soldiers of fortune (each one unique, as each will be made from its own mold) will be auctioned off on ebay. One will go to the winner of a yet-to-be invented contest. And as for the seventh? Well, that’s my safety net. Sure, I’ve learned from the mistakes I made the last time, but the thing is anything but foolproof. STAY TUNED.


Of course all of that will have to wait a little as I’m heading to Russia on Monday (can anyone say “mail order bride?” I can and will when I find her). I’ll be back next weekend, but I’ve set an auto-timer so there should be one new post going up mid-week. Notice I said should…. Keep your fingers crossed, check back often and wish me luck.

COLLECTION: Making Something Special

My Mom, like every Mom out there, is an awesome woman. Bright, smart, caring, fun; yup, she’s the whole package. But shopping for her can be a batch. So I was understandable thrilled when, just minutes before mother’s day I found this laying around the FHM office. Actually, in the interest of accuracy, perhaps that last sentence read: I was understandably thrilled when, just minutes before mothers day I WAS laying around the FHM office and found THIS. Whatever. You get the idea.



Now I know what you’re thinking—A Clone-A-Willy Do-it-Yourself Vibrating Dildo Kit for mothers day? Is this guy out of his mind? Obviously I wasn’t going to give her the kit… just the final product. Mom always says best gifts are the ones I make myself. And besides, look what it says right on the packaging.



First things first; I dumped out the package, surveyed the contents and started in on the directions.



Apparently if you’re dipping your ding-dong in plaster, you’re in good company; Hollywood stars are doing it too. Crazy.



Step One: Cut the tube to fit and cover the end with tape so as not to hurt yourself. So far so good.



Step Two: Here’s where things start to get complicated. I’ll just let you read it for yourself.



Step Three: Notice all the warnings about timing? Yeah, well, maybe Martha Steward could get the water to the right temp, mix the batter, pour it in the tube and jam her weenie in there in under two-minutes, but I’m not that good in the kitchen.



Step Four: Insertion. With all the warnings stressing me out, keeping the thing up was proving to be a bit of a challenge.



At a minute forty-five I started trying to jam my quickly softening wand into the quickly hardening concoction.



It was a no go.



Seeing as she is my mother and all, I went to the local toy store for another kit. Sadly, they didn’t carry it.



Undeterred, I went to the art supply place. Though “dick multiplier” wasn’t anywhere on their directory, I found what I thought was a suitable replacement.



Until I opened the box and read the instructions. Then I was deterred.



Great. $40, 40 minutes after I’d begun and all I had to show for it was some kind of plug.



I’m not going to lie, this puts me in a bit of jam. Showing-up empty handed on mother’s day is simply unexcitable. Don’t worry about me though, I’m sure I’ll figure something out (can anyone say Sugar Sweet Sunshine Bakery—it’s a good place to start)…



…But this is far done. I’ll be calling Clone-A-Bone this week for replacement parts and rest assured I’ll let you know what happens when I do. In the meantime, happy mothers day to all.




PS—A special thanks to Trixy Beldam, a long time commentor on my posts. Though I’ve never met her, we were emailing the other day when I got a strange call from the Bravo Network. Apparently their planning a series called Battle of the Network Reality Stars and wanted me to take part. They said Richard Hatch and Amorosa were already signed up. I’m embarrassed to say, but I was actually considering doing it, until Trixy pointed something out.

“You don’t want to be on a show called BONeRs!”
No, you’re right. I don’t want to be on a show called BONeRs. Thanks.