COLLECTION/STORY/NEWS: Who knows?
All of the sudden my life has become an endless string of hotel rooms, room-service and strangers…
Yup, that’s what I was thinking, alone in a hotel rooom again, when the phone rang. It was my friend Biz (no, not Biz Markie, Business-minded Mike—the only guy I know my age who carries an honest to goodness briefcase). It seems Biz couldn’t wait to find out what the deal is with this marriage thing, what’s going on, and when the next post would be going up. Truth be told, I didn’t have a clue. I mean, I’ve been pretty busy lately with other stuff; I’ve got like 30 fun projects in mind, but like I said, I haven’t had the time…
Still, I was kinda itching to fill you all in on project “hitch me baby one more time.”
“So just do it fucker,” he said, “mix it up… who cares… it’s a work in progress, I get it, just put something up.”
Fair enough.
So here goes… two collections of pointless pictures, some news and some numbers—all mixed up (per Mikey’s request)…
PS—Let me beat you to the punch: I know these pictures aren’t flattering, but fuck it, they make me smile.
Let’s start it off simple: The stats.
Of the 162 entries I’ve gotten at illmarrysomeguyfromtheinternet@gmail.com...
...as of this posting…
…151 seem to have come from women—actual women…
…of course, there’s no way of knowing how sincere they are about their offers, but still…
…4 claim to have appeared in Playboy…
…3 sent proof…
…2 have been in FHM (selected by me in a past life)—not that I care…
…one had dissed me in high-school…
…how cool is that?
No really, think about that…
…I crushed on her so hard, but she had no interest. Now she thinks I’m cool. It’s a crazy world.
Anyway, 8 of the 162 were submitted incomplete…
…as in they were missing either a phone number, picture, or reason why we should get hitched.
Of those, two piqued my interest…
…but neither got back to me with a phone number or picture, so I’m going to have to assume either they were fake, or they’ve since thought better of sending a stranger their info.
I got several from other countries…
Sorry, gotta take a break to catch my breath… OK… that’s better…
…and quite a few from foreigner nationals, living locally, interested in me for, uh, visa purposes.
3 came from people who had no idea who I was, what I looked like, or anything…
..I have no idea how they even came to respond. Or why.
One told me she’d heard about it through a friend.
Oh, best of all, one lady sent me pictures of her apartment…
…a massive place on the upper west side…
…and she said that if I wanted to live there rent-free, I wouldn’t even have to marry her and I could even have my own bed-room…
…so I called her to find out what exactly she DID want.
“Oh, just to freak out my soon-to-be ex-husband who still thinks he can drop by unexpectedly.” Not quite what I’m looking for, but AWESOME.
That said, so far I’ve only had time to answer about 1/4 of the people who replied…
…and so far, most of my replies have read “Thanks for your interest. I’m kinda busy, but I haven’t forgotten about you.” That sucks.
Over the next few days though, I’m going to start calling people. I’m not sure what’ll happen next but I’ll take it from there.
Stay tuned.
posted by Jakehimself at 4:18 PM
31 Comments:
best entry ever!
from a certified pool professional...i think someone shit in that pool. water's a little murky.
Sounds like you've got your hands full with this pseudo marriage proposal. Fun times.
Hey Jakee-poo, I left you a little message over at your page on IMDb. Go check it out, it's in the message board section...
Jake, long time reader, first time poster. I'm pretty sure I saw you at the Mohegan Sun over the weekend. And I'm pretty sure I watched you build a serious stack playing black-jack. And I'm pretty sure you bet it all, almost a thousand dollars on a single hand. I was part of the crowd that gathered. Tough luck, but you seemed to handle it well. Anyway, you're taller than I expected so wasn't sure it was you, but now that I see these pictures I know. That's definitely what the rooms there look like. Let me know if you ever come back this way, I bounce at a titty-club and I’ll hook you up.
I'm feeling a little queasy. not about the marriage thing, that's cool. I just have this weird sensation that I've been jumping really quickly in and out of a swimming pool.
LIGER!!!!!
Hey jake, whatever happened to the penis models on ebay? how much did they go for?
you never wrote me back you prick
Sarah, I noticed the same thing. Those are the pants you peed in in California. Time to go shopping Jake.
You're insane...and you're my hero.
I wish I could tell the name of a certain someone that responded to your offer because you two would be perf together!! Definitely start contacting these chicas, you would be pleasantly surprised!
is it too late for me to respond to your pseudo proposal?
I thought this was done with! So much for my lifelong dream of marrying a complete stranger off the internet.... What was all that "One in a million" talk?!?
re: the pee-pants - I hope you washed them!
Also - don't be a man-hater, Jake, dismissing the male applicants out of hand. A man can your fine body feel real good!
'Once you go male, women seem pale.'
Okay, that was lame and I just made it up, but it rhymed!
Hey Jake,
Your posts are so fun to read and view.
They've been a bright spot in my life lately.
I challenge you to come up with something wilder and bolder than ever before.
Of course I enjoy whatever you decide to put up. Keep it up, keep it hot!
TTFN (Ta Ta For Now)
I think a makeover is in the works for you first.
This is my favorite one so far too. Good luck on the lady-hunt.
I still think he needs a shave and a makeover.
I'm still smitten. I wonder if we all post coments saying we want money, what he'll do then. NOt that I'd need to be paid to be Ms. Jake Bronstein.
you are funny, this is like a flip book.
I think you should marry my sister so that I could know you in person and soak in all your craziness. I love you! You are so hilarious! But, I'm happily married to a serious but funny man who loves anything to do with farting, shitting, or smelly smells! I think you'd get along nicely with him as a brother in law. Do you like older women? She's 36 and beautiful (like her sista!). Has two kids that are 12 and 9. What do ya think?
The future is here
really, a makeover would be nice.
Shave that nasy mange.
Just a thought.
freakin' hilarious. bra-vo. absolutely lovin'
the photos. so much character. seriously, ever thought of being a photographer? best of luck.
A manicure would work also. A tooth whitening system would be good for you too.
Yeah Jake - the guys are crushin' on you, too. What about that? Ever swung both ways? I'm with whoever wants the makeover on you, 'cuz you're a babe but you're definitely letting yourself go. That said, i'd still do you.
i want to see your penis again!
Show us your big donkey dick, you slut!!!
Love the photos in this post very surreal..Love it
sweet minty jesus, people! No makeover. the reason this piece is so best is that he seems LESS like a reality-show trope and more like a messy, interesting guy who occasionally loses the plot...
I say go with it.
(but maybe i'm over-thinking it-- the penis thing works for me too.
gay! gay! gay!)
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