STORY: Respect My Authorita
Yup, I wish I could say I got sick all of the sudden, but the fact of matter is I’ve been under the weather for weeks—since I got back Russia actually—and hadn’t really been taking care of myself. But when my fever reached a staggering 104 on Tuesday of last week, I knew it was time to call in the experts. Turns out I had Strep Throat. Sexy, huh?
Anyway, after spending close to a week in bed, and a few days before that feeling bad for myself in light of recent events, I realized it was time to get back on track. The first order of business: Getting a job.
It felt good to be back on my feet. And the world seemed happy to have me…
(after taking this picture, I looked at the little screen on the back of my camera and noticed homeboy in the background. I turned around just in time to spot him on the corner, throwing me the old ‘double-gun cool-guy salute.’ How cool is that?)
Back to the mission… I’d be lying if said I didn’t have any leads.
It seems several months ago I applied to be a cop. Of course, I’d totally forgotten about it, so it seemed like fate when, the very day before the test, this slip showed-up in the mail.
But as I documented what would surely be my last day as a civilian I noticed something…
A sharpened No. 2 pencil? Fuck.
(Look, this is my thoughtful face…) I’m halfway to the test center, middle of Chinatown, where am I going to get a pencil?
Oh right, Chinatown—I love it when a plan comes together.
Yeah, what can I say, I’m probably be the only cop-hopeful with a Hello Kitty pencil, eraser and sharpener kit, but I’m probably also the only one who’s name is actually “Jake” so I figure it balances out.
Ready or not…
At this point, things got a little funny, but not funny ha-ha. Turns out most of the people wanting to be New York’s Finest… well, lets just day they’re not ALL that fine.
I held myself back from taking pictures inside the testing area, but let me put it this way—no one was making whacky sound effects with their mouth, or playing tricks on the commandant. None of it. It seems I’d been lied to.
I’m not saying I was feeling good enough to climb a rope, or jump a hurdle, but I was kind of looking forward to it nonetheless. In fact, what went on inside was more like a bizzaro SAT. I guess the physical-bit, the part I was most excited for, comes next—nine months after the written test—and that’s assuming I passed.
Regardless, after close to three hours spent answering questions about felonies, periodicals, procedures and practices—not to mention being finger printed myself—I was starting to feel somewhat cop-like myself.
I mean, I’ve always been courteous, professional and respectful… but suddenly I felt like I carried more authority… like I should put on the nude-suit and a cape, stand on a rooftop and put local hooligans on notice…
Ah, who am I kidding, it’s just these new sunglasses I picked up along with the pencils. Got a deal too. Chinatown rocks.
On a more serious note though, though it’s defiantly worth considering, I’m not sure that coppery is what I’m destined for. I’ve already got some ideas for a few different career paths that might be worth pursuing (can anyone say ‘model greaser’), but I’m keeping my options open. Do you do something interesting, fun, or weird? Maybe I could hang out for a day, see if it interests me. Really. Drop me a line. I’ll be like your understudy. It’ll be fun. Thanks.
posted by Jakehimself at 8:00 AM
62 Comments:
PS—To the guy in the pink-laced Dunks on the uptown N (or R or W) yesterday, sorry if I seemed kind of out of it. I don’t always know how to react to positive feedback, but know that I really appreciate it. You brightened up my day and for that I’m grateful.
And speaking of feedback, I notice that among the many conspiracy theories in the comments section of my last post, there seems to be some kind of war about some comedy group or something. Somehow it resulted in threats—one of which I’ve deleted. Not cool. Once again, the rules for comments are: Say anything you like about me, anything at all, but no insulting my friends (not that I’ve got any idea who this comedy group is), and now, NO THREATS. Keep it friendly people. Don’t start none and there won’t be none. Thanks.
just remember Jake, it's important to both serve and protect. that's why cops are all issued dental dams.
Dude, interesting jobs, my dad's job confuses people all the time when tell them what he does, he's a shit doctor. I'm serious, he has his PhD so he's a doctor, but what he does it design wastewater treatment facilities. My dad just sits in his office (which is at home) and thinks of new and environmentally friendly ways to get rid of shit. My mom teaches kids that can't read good and my dad is a shit magician, it's different.
-Margaret (losergal2005@hotmail.com)
Sorry to hear you were feeling under the weather. I enjoyed the picture of the thermometer as proof. Just wondering why you opted for the oral thermometer? Was it the potential for embarrassment that a similar picture of a rectal thermometer would have caused? Or was it the logistics involved with getting the camera & the thermometer at the right angles? You totally rock dude, good luck on the job hunt.
come fly with me....
maybe you should be a "life coach" jake.
I'm sure you'll be happy no matter what you do. That's why I love you.
I am an accountant so that is not fun, but I work at a company that supplies the shit doctors with the equipment used to get rid of shit!
Amandas apparantly have boring jobs... I work for an insurance company. But I know some people who work at ABC -- wanna be a soap star?
porn star anyone?
My husband's a cop. Cops are hot. Do it.
Hey Jake, wanna fly out to Cali and be my nanny? ;)
i work in an office. i sit in front of the computer all day trying my hardest to look busy when im actually just reading your blog or celebrity gossip.
office work sucks. i wouldnt wish this hell upon my worst enemies.
wouldnt it be great if you could get paid for just walking around nyc taking pics of whatever your camera points to.
good luck with the job hunt jake. im hunting too.
hey I am a dog walker in toronto - its a super dog friendly city and the potential for mischeif is always right there - I've got some super awesome dogs too that I get to walk - you could do an international job shadowing program and come walk dogs with me - plus Toronto is nice and I live near a great place to get falafel.
YOU'RE REAL NAME IS ALLEN J. BRONSTEIN!?!?!? OH MY... scandelous... Allen. Ha. I am guessing your full name is Allen Jacob Bronstein... whack you have been lying to us this whole time.
Ay Jake! U r 1 crazy&seXy guy. Just came across ur site and am lovin it! Would u do what u do on ur site on a tv show or something? Like "A Day with Jake"...just a thought. In a way I think the blog thing is better because u arent limited to what u can do ya know?
uh, I'm an art director at an ad agency...Leo Burnett in Chicago. It's a pretty hot job. My writer and I come up with jokes all day and try to think of ways to associate said jokes with various products. Then I make the whole thing look pretty. Our fridge is always stocked with booze...we wear whatever we want. Last week we had a white trash party, my boss had 13 buckets of KFC delivered, some champagne of beers and we listened to Skynrd until a blow up doll ended up hanging from the ceiling giving a BJ to a bottle of Miller Lite, and me and my boyfriend were doing it in the cleaning lady's supply room. Basically, we're all here to entertain and sexually harass eachother. It's pretty amazing, and you're invited.
You would look very sexy in the cop uniform.
I write grants for a non-profit theater. If you shadowed me, the boredom would probably force you to put your eyes out with your #2 pencil within the hour.
I wanna be an art director at an ad agency......
I don't do anything. I mean, technically I do corporate communications for an educational company, but literally I do nothing all day long. Today I did one work related thing. Then I wrote a brochure for the summer camp of a friend's aunt who is a nun, signed up for a mutual fund, debated the intricacies of Joss whedon's Firefly, paid my credit card bill, bought presents for a friend.
I have carpal tunnel from writing on IM and I'm 25. I am quitting my job. My boss doesn't know it yet. She thinks I'm happy and love working on shit assignments that wouldn't tax the faculties of a mentally retarded two year old.
She's a nice lady but her self-importance and myopic worldview are infuriating. I mentioned a political issue once in passing and she told me I care too much about what's going on in the world.
As though that's a bad thing?
My last day of work is September 16th. I'm moving to a foreign country to teach english, work 12 hour weeks, with paid vacations and health insurance and just figure stuff out. Maybe finally write that novel. Definitely write that non-fiction book on the inanity of student debt and how to avoid it.
Eventually I want to go back to school to be a tree hugger.
Maybe I'll pull a thoreau...retire to the woods and just hug trees on my own.
I hate offices.
Do nude modelling! YOu don't have to do anything except for making contorted poses.
you updated! It looks like you were feeling beter today when I saw you on broadway an 8th. Have fun dont rush into getting a job, NYC is a great place to bum around. -matt
Hey Jake, I've been checking your blog for quite some time now and this is the first time I comment. I would like to congratulate you on the fact that you have at least one fan in the Netherlands!
I might know a good job for you: be a lab rat! Subscribe yourself at an agency that provides the pharmaceutical industries with people to test their poison on! I did it two times already. You get good money for it and you can lie in your bed the whole day! This july they are going to put a tube through my nose to my twelve fingered instestine and pump alkaline phosphatase in there to cure chronic colitis ulcerosa patients. There is a lot of harmless (and quite a lot of scary) research going on, so choose the right ones and you get some easy money! Another advantage is that you get a complete physical exam before you participate, so it's a cheap way to know if you're still healthy!
You can't participate if you have used cannabis within the last three months, but sometimes they don't discover that you did (like with me the first time).
And if you don't want to work or be a lab rat then go back to college! I would like to invite you to 'hang out for a day' at the university in Groningen where I study Arts, Culture and Media (by the way: dutch university is VERY cheap for about 1600 dollars you get a high quality education).
i do public relations and public development for a non-profit organization in indiana. yes, i said indiana.
actually left cleveland for indiana. again. i said indiana.
so...if you're ever passing through the hoosier state, it could be bring a blogger to work day.
until then, keep writing. you're ab-fab.
WOw! Jake you are brave, posting your address in your blog! I hope people don't coming knocking on your door at all hours!
Hey man, saw you in the current NEW YORK MAGAZINE in that story Grant wrote about furniture, the piece mentioned in the post where your friends wrote about you. It’s the same picture too. The question is; how are you everywhere at once? Did the planets align funny or have you hired a publicist?
I would love it if you would join me in my daily early morning masterbating session. I would love to rub one out with you.
Jake lets FUCK!!!!!
If you really want to become a police officer, you should go on a ride-along. I don't know how easy it is to go on one in NY, but it really shouldn't be too difficult...and if it is, I know someone who would be happy to take you on one in Phoenix...Love your blog by the way...
I took a picture of my mouth just like what you did.I have a sore throat.I didn't simply take pic to see my throat.I got a damn fucking ulcer on the left side of the inside of my cheek.It looks nasty and is still there.
Jake,
You did seem a little out of it, but I didn't take offense - just thought I hit you at the wrong time. Keep up the good work, and it was nice to meet you.
Best,
Chris
ps - i got the dunks at Dave's on 3rd Street.
hey jake.
wanna come around and join me rocking germany's july?
we could search a job for you over here. or you could tech me the photo biz and i teach you german. :)
isn't that a cool plan?
if you don't find a job just search for guys who give you dollar notes. i heard guys might do that....
jz
I am an HIV/AIDS and safe sex educator. I also do outreach testing. It's all KINDS of fun! Wanna tag along?? ;)
~Carla
I love your shirt in the 3rd pic b/c it says "Dallas".
That's hella tight. LOL.
You're so adorably deliciously cute, even when you're under the weather.
Just don't get a crappy office job. Cuz crappy office jobs shivel one's soul to dust and give one severe carpel tunnel.
more jake please.
I got 2 words for you baby PROFESSIONAL CARPET
Meet : KEVIN CARPET http://www.myspace.com/kevincarpet
yes a profesional and lifestyle carpet in NYC and a good friend, I think you should apprentice.
I love South Park!!!
You know Jake, you should do whatever you like, however in case you want to consider something different here are a few things that you may want to consider.
You are cute, you should think about modeling.
I do customer service and it fucking blows-however I'm grateful to have a job.
But I really do and do well is I am a social exciter...I literally know hundreds of people and I love to plan things, make buzz and make people happy.
Volunteer work, planning parties and get togethers is my true passion.
If you ever want to chill out in the midwest and party with me and my crazy, wild immature best friend Justin and I-well c'mon.
Hollah,
Claude "9"! (two snaps and lemon twist!)
Hey Jake, wasn't that you scavanging for home furnishings in this week's New York article? Maybe you could consider a job as an interior decorator, or maybe a mover? Hope schlepping in the rain didn't raise your fever any higher.
your name is Allen?
Jake,
Looking at the third picture down, I can't help but notice that you are in dire need of a facial, at least on your nose. You have a ton of puss in your pores. You should squeeze all that out.
puss or no puss
job or no job
named allen or named jake
you still have fans
keep on
You should change your profile to not accept anonymous posts, so those who reply will have to leave their name and contact info. Just an idea.
I'm in marketing. Not glamorous, but fun.
I still think you should be a talking head on BWE. Being a policeman, you have to honor a code of conduct. What fun is that?
Now you can leave your schedule open for ENDLESS rr/rw challenges and reunions!
You can work with me as a veterinary technician. I have to probe dogs for fecal samples, draw blood and urine, sedate, shave, suture, bathe, intubate, place iv catheters... All make great fun with the camera!
jake,
I shop the 'prizes' for the Wheel of Fortune and PRice is Right... if i've been a good boy, i can even get prizes for 'The Biggest Loser' or 'Regis & Kelly' .... someday i hope to do product placement for another Ashton Kutcher -produced tv mosntrosity. wanna work in our office? Just to shake things up a bit over here and flirt with our pretty secretary. she likes them skinny, tall and hairy.
XOXO Antonio
sheesh, i love you.
but i'm only 20, so that's sick that i loved you on RR when i was um... 13?
I do hair & makeup - come hang out with me.
I say take the cop gig, get the uniform, and join an all male band.
If that doesn't work out, you can take up residence with me and be my bitch. But there's no sitting on the sofa. Sorry, rules are rules.
Hey jake...I hope the cop thing works out for you...we could use a few cute cops around the city!
BTW is that you in this weeks new york magazine helping your friend furnish an apartment by scavenging stuff off the streets? that was some very cool loot!
Jake, you could definitely rock the "cope stripper" persona.
I have two jobs that you can be my understudy for, if you're interested. My first is I investigate infomercials-I look at their truths in their advertising claims. This requires watching tons of infomercials asking to see their research study and then test their products.
The second is as the mascot for the Brooklyn Cyclones. this requires the skill of dressing as a retarded bird and then shake my ass for the kiddies while being molested by drunk fans.
I work at Macy's as a certified bra fitter way out west in Northern California. I don't think it can get much weirder than fitting old women for bras. Come visit.
all you people have to wait in line jakes comming to hang with me at the cheesy hotel i work at first and thats that!
Just an observation...Does your pharmacy know how to spell the street they are on. I thought it was D-e-l-a-n-c-e-y, there's no e on the label. You should be wary of people who give you pills and can't spell the name of the street.
a guy with a fan base offering him for a(corrected)job with the S, how hell does he get away by complaing more vignettes experiences!?!?
or at least probably -
take-a-pick job?
get over with it and have
health benefits
apparent have forgotten to smile....
.
politely
.
:| - :0 - ;) - :D
oh no! pOLICE!! (surpressed finger)
Oh, was that an ORAL thermometer? I thought that for some reason you'd stuff'd it up your nose. I dunno, it could be a technique I'd never encountered before.
Of course you could have done the salacious photo and used an anal thermometer. i would have liked to to have seen that.
Ken
Los Angeles
hey i think that you are so stupid for not taking the job as a cop and i think that you are very dumb looking in those sunglasses and remember this if you ever need a job let me know i know where you can my 13 dollars and hour picking fleas off a grayhound
Hey jake i live in south carolina and im a police officer i have been for three years its real easy and i have only been shot at once so please man rethink the cop thing you will love it
YOU.....ARE.....AN......STUPID.......FUCK......FOR NOT TAKING THE COP JOB..............BE A COP MAN ITS FUN......IT REALLY IS
The post abt the journey to the battlefield (test center) dude ... very well written!
Nice photoes btw .. what camera do u use ?
http://hermeskelly.finniwolf.com Jrcvihm http://hermessale.finniwolf.com hermes kelly price kelly hermes outlet seed for the deal has a stylish profitable margin, as you concentrate over these unpredictable schedules not on maturation regrettably on income. associated with componen 5 is actually best suited for a rest-up inserted upon tee. variety is a plus hermes the all new htc to produce spinners who had foot or shin damage, Or for people who want to hype swifter and also placing a reduced amount of focus.
Post a Comment
<< Home