STORY: 5 Things To Know About Me
My grandma is the coolest. Really. And not in that “My grandma is the coolest, pinch my cheek, thanks Gram, where’s my inheritance, I’m going home”-kinda way. She really is cool.
She owned an art gallery in the ‘60s and ran with artists whose names you might know. She has some of the coolest clothes I’ve ever seen (Hermes everything, gator this, diamond that—the type of stuff girls today would kill for). And she keeps it real. I mean really real. I can talk to her about anything; girls, sex, career stuff, hopes, dreams, fears, you name it. And we do. We try to go to dinner at least once a month, after which we have a drink or two, kick back and get into it.
On Thursday night me and my Grandma Teddy went to dinner, had our drinks, came home and started talking. She’s so animated. So cute. So much fun. So I, of course, tried to capture it all with a series of arms-length photos. What I captured instead was something totally unexpected.
We were talking about life when all of the sudden, out of the blue she says, “What’s that?”
“What’s what?”
“That.”
“What?”
“That right there on your hand.”
At this point she grabbed my free hand and started rubbing. It took me a minute to realize what was going on, but when I did, it hit hard like a ton of bricks.
She was trying to rub off what she thought was dirt on my knuckles. But my hand wasn’t dirty. It was hairy.
(Did you notice there was a slight pause after she did it, before either of us realized what she’d done. My life is made up entirely of those moments.)
Anyway, I might have expected that from a stranger… but this was my grandma. It was kind of crushing.
Oh well, I feel better for having shared. I’VE GOT HAIRY HANDS!
That’s right, the first revelation in “5 Things To Know About Me” is:
I’VE GOT HAIRY HANDS AND I’M PROUD!
Well proud-ish. No longer ashamed. Whatever. Over the next few days we’ll be revealing the other four things. And we’ll be feeling better about ourselves in the process. (‘Who’s we?’ you ask. See below.)
I encourage you to come along with me. Don’t leave me out here on my own. Post an embarrassing secret. Your strangest habit. Your weirdest fantasy. Anything. Don’t carry it around inside any longer. Come on. It’ll make you feel good. Hallelujah the truth will set you free.
PS—My grandma would like you to know that no one looks pretty when they’re photographed while they talk. I would like you to know that no one looks confident, collected or cool when they’re cut down a notch two by their own family. And with that, let the confessions begin…
She owned an art gallery in the ‘60s and ran with artists whose names you might know. She has some of the coolest clothes I’ve ever seen (Hermes everything, gator this, diamond that—the type of stuff girls today would kill for). And she keeps it real. I mean really real. I can talk to her about anything; girls, sex, career stuff, hopes, dreams, fears, you name it. And we do. We try to go to dinner at least once a month, after which we have a drink or two, kick back and get into it.
On Thursday night me and my Grandma Teddy went to dinner, had our drinks, came home and started talking. She’s so animated. So cute. So much fun. So I, of course, tried to capture it all with a series of arms-length photos. What I captured instead was something totally unexpected.
We were talking about life when all of the sudden, out of the blue she says, “What’s that?”
“What’s what?”
“That.”
“What?”
“That right there on your hand.”
At this point she grabbed my free hand and started rubbing. It took me a minute to realize what was going on, but when I did, it hit hard like a ton of bricks.
She was trying to rub off what she thought was dirt on my knuckles. But my hand wasn’t dirty. It was hairy.
(Did you notice there was a slight pause after she did it, before either of us realized what she’d done. My life is made up entirely of those moments.)
Anyway, I might have expected that from a stranger… but this was my grandma. It was kind of crushing.
Oh well, I feel better for having shared. I’VE GOT HAIRY HANDS!
That’s right, the first revelation in “5 Things To Know About Me” is:
I’VE GOT HAIRY HANDS AND I’M PROUD!
Well proud-ish. No longer ashamed. Whatever. Over the next few days we’ll be revealing the other four things. And we’ll be feeling better about ourselves in the process. (‘Who’s we?’ you ask. See below.)
I encourage you to come along with me. Don’t leave me out here on my own. Post an embarrassing secret. Your strangest habit. Your weirdest fantasy. Anything. Don’t carry it around inside any longer. Come on. It’ll make you feel good. Hallelujah the truth will set you free.
PS—My grandma would like you to know that no one looks pretty when they’re photographed while they talk. I would like you to know that no one looks confident, collected or cool when they’re cut down a notch two by their own family. And with that, let the confessions begin…
posted by Jakehimself at 11:44 AM
95 Comments:
i get mad when i talk to my dog and he pretends not to understand... because i know he does. so i calmly tell him things like "i know you know what i'm saying, and one of these days you're going to be hanging from a cliff or something and then, then my friend, you'll be all talk and chatter when you need me to save your life. but i'll just stand there and be like 'huh? i don't know what you're saying.'"
After I clip my toenails, but before I throw away the clippings, I smell the corners.
I once punched the ground, breaking my hand, so a girl at school who I had a crush on would think I'd been in a fight.
Long time reader, first time commenter-One thing that people don't know about me is that the first thing I do upon getting in my car after a long hard day at work is that I pick my nose. What liberation!
This girl liked me and I really didn't like her at all. I was on a group date sort of thing with two of my friends and her. My friend told me that she planned on kissing me that night, so I made sure of it to lick my foot and eat garlic so she wouldn't want to kiss me.
Ok, so, um, I'm, like, in love with you... and all your hair. That is all.
Before I take a crap, I place 2 squares of TP in the bowl to prevent backsplash. I hate backsplash, especially when I've pissed before the BM.
I still read my ex-girlfriend's email because she never changed her password after we broke up!
Certain comercials make me cry. Disney movies too. And the episode of Fresh Prince of Bell Aire where Will's father visits. I'm a wuss, I know.
I've got an extra bone in my foot. And it PROTRUDES.
I sing to my ferret. I've got all sorts of songs - which, I might add, are SO ready to be recorded and released and go platinum.
I've got the IBS. Yes, the Irritable BOWEL syndrome. My ferret has the IBD - the Inflammatory BOWEL disease.
I once threw up on a boy's penis at a high school party when I was sixteen...And I don't mean a miniscule amount - I mean, bucketLOADS. All over the party-giver's parent's bed. I told ONE person at the party about the throwing-up-on-the-penis, she hollered to everyone within earshot that "A********* threw up on T***'s penis!!!". The rumor spread. By that next Monday, everyone at my school knew about the up-chuck on the penis - and, to this day, it is still an urban legend ....11 years later. I am a penis-thrower-upper.
You're not alone . . . in fact there's an entire blog dedicated to these kind of confessions:
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/
People mail the blogger postcards with all kinds of confessions on them--really interesting.
As for my confession, I'm pretty sure I've spent the last 7 years of my life doing what other people thought I should do so as not to disappoint them instead of figuring out how I want to spend my life.
Oh, and I bite my nails.
I go to AA knowing fully that I've never had a drinking problem. I've got other problems though, and it's a good place to work them out.
I have a 3rd nipple. At 13yrs old my doctor says to me, 'When you have kids, if you breast feed, it might grow.' Thanks Doc!
Jake don't be riffed at your grandma for not knowing what your hand hair was! Keep on enjoying her while she's around. Someday when she's done, you'll look back and laugh at this situation and remember all the great times you've spent together! What funny things everyone has posted! I have to say that on my chest I have what looks like the start of a 3rd nipple, altho it's not fully developed, thank God! And the placing of 2 squares of TP in the bowl to prevent backsplash is a great idea!
I have what's known as "fur tongue." I'm pretty sure that's the actual medical term. It means my tongue isn't smooth and traps more bacteria in it's millions of furry buds than most people's. Gross, I know. I'd much prefer furry fingers.
the concept of "furry buds" on my tongue just made me throw up in my mouth a little. luckily there is no penis around, or the next 11 years of my life might have been hard times.
my grandma is hella cool too. I wish she had all that designer stuff, but other than that, I bet she's as cool as yours.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/trixiepix/4985113/
maybe we should try to get them to fight. I say 3 events: arm-wrestling, Scrabble, guilt-induction. it can be team Scrabble.
Sometimes I don't just leave a drop in underwear, it's more like a dribble. And sometimes that dribble can be seen through my pants. The few times that's happened, I soak myself with water at about crotch level and pretend the sink exploded to cover it up. Really. I can think of at least two separate occurrences in which I've done that.
it's nice to know ppl like you have insecurities too. lol...
i am not that tall and i have big feet. my friend calls me froto cause there is a lil bit of hair on them.
I love to play truth or dare. I know, its childish. But everytime any of my friends get together i am always secretly hoping somebody will suggest it.
Nobody ever does.
I've always thought that having a girl throw-up on your penis would feel fantastic.
I also read my own blog.
I like to order domino's pizza, extra cheese w/ ham and pineapple and eat the tops off, then place all the naked slices back in the box as a perfctly stripped pizza. I offered it to my friend Robb one day as a joke, who in turn did the most disgusting thing I have ever seen him do. He used my spitty leftover slices to make french toast. Yuck, even tried to make me eat some, I couldnt handle it.
I pissed on a guys lap last week and pretended I had just spilled my drink on him ( he was an ass)
I often pee in peoples conditioner for giggles ( yes I'm well aware that piss is a reoccuring theme)
I have a bump on my forehead that I keep covered by my bangs...it totally upsets me.
I killed my ex boyfriends turtle, starved it to death, then threw it out in the backyard. When confronted by roomates and family who had seen it in the trash, I strongly denied any association to the turtle, and still do when questioned.
I cut my own hair when I was 7 and blamed it on Cecilia Gramaglia...Sorry CeCee.
(more piss related tales) I pissed myself in front of Seven Eleven in Brooklyn when I was 9. Horrifying.
I have an embarrasing tattoo on my lower back area.
I killed the last of my "Collin Fish" need to hit petco soon.
I love the Gilmore Girls
My left boob is slightly bigger than my right boob.
I'm not saying I do it often, but I have kissed my dog with tongue. It's not like kissing a person though, more like the way lesbians kiss in porno.
my little pinkies are abnormally tiny.
I like looking at bigmuscle.com and dudesnude.com. And I have a profile on both. Its hot.
I've been giving it some thought, and the fact that you have hairy hands is not at all a secret. perhaps calling attention to it is a liberating experience for you, but the fact that you carry your hands around on the outside pretty much excludes their relative hairiness from being something you carry around on the inside.
it may be a thing to know about you, but it is not a secret on par with the innermost revelations that are being posted here.
a secret like that is more like...being deeply turned on by dentist chairs, regardless of the nature of the person cleaning my teeth. for example.
i have irrational stuff of putting stuff into my body..tampons, contacts, self prescribed drugs etc
p/s: hairy is sexy :P~
I only wash my hair once a month—if that.
i'm an obsessive checker, especially checking to see if i've locked my front door. if i'm out driving and i wonder to myself if i've locked it, i have to go home and check, no matter how far i've already driven. if i don't, that is the day i get robbed and someone will be in my apartment waiting for me when i get home. it's really irritating.
I love your grandma's look of horror when she realizes that you're just really hairy.
Hairy knuckles are cool...nothing to ashamed of.
Now the fact that I pick my nose and eat it because I really like the taste...THAT is something to be ashamed of.
And I like Enrique...NOOOO!
Confession - I saw you walking down Walnut Street in Philly this evening as I came out of McDonald's and totally wanted to say "Hey, I read your blog and it's super funny." But I didn't want to sound like a nerd so I kept walking.
I feel like that was kind of a lame confession...maybe I'll reveal more later this week.
Nothing major, just in love with my best friend.
I'm a jdate WHORE
Well, it has been a little too long since I had sex and I am beginning to feel a bit crazy...
I like to dance naked in my room whe nobody is watchin. it's very cool. very liberating.
I have a closet full of toys that I collect (that's not the secret, I'm a proud collector of childhood nostalgia). When I'm sad, I go into my toy closet and cry so that I can feel a little more childlike and carefree.
My nipples are ALWAYS hard, and they aren't small, so I pick the tightest shirts to wear. I love catching women AND men looking at them. Sometimes they reach out and try to pinch them and of course, I let them.
Love what you are doing here Jake. I'm a big fan and admirer.
I am a television addict, though I am not sure that is so secret, thank science for DVR, I no longer have to miss dates and work to catch a show thats is on at the same time as another show I am already taping. Cause DVR can tape 3 different programs at the same time. Okay sometimes, I still have a forth show I need to watch in another room. But it is not as bad as it used to be, I am weening myself... Yea! Doctor Who is back on the air!!!
I love to pick my nose too! Who doesn't? My Aunt once commented that my nostrils were so big, I probably didn't need to pick because the boogers would just fall out... But they don't and it feels good.
I have a profile on dudesnude...
I find Jake's furriness very sexy, and I, as well as many other male readers of this blog also have ridiculous crushing going on. :)
I have a pair of jeans that I wear with no underwear. Because of where the seam is, if I walk a certain way, or shift in my chair just right, I can give myself orgasms.
Also, I keep a profile on Nerve, even though I've got a boyfriend.
PS: Love the site. Hair or no hair, you're good in my book.
I used someone else's picture in my on-line dating profile and sent it to my ex just to see if he would respond. She doesn't know I used her picture. He didn't respond.
I obsessively apply carmex because I'm afraid of getting cold sores. I keep a little pot of it with me all the time because I'm afraid that if I don't use it, a cold sore will just pop up. I keep two jars in my bedroom, one in my purse, one in my car and one on my desk at work. I think it's more a fear of being ugly than fear of the actual cold sore.
I never answer the phone until at least the third ring. Anything less would make me look un-cool. Not hairy-hand uncool, but un-cool none the less.
i think i have anal fissures. bummer. big, big bummer. they seem to go away after a while, but it's a painful week. ho hum.
R.I.P. Michelle (Season 3 of Road Rules). I heard about the crash today - a very sad loss of an amazing spirit.
its nothing compared to some of your resposes but I have one eyebrow that is dark brown and the other that is white .. I have vitilago ..
sometimes i read missed connections on Craigslist and pretend that the anon posters are my ex-girlfriends. then i wonder if they really are and maybe they're trying to get ahold of me. then i remember that i am insane.
I read Craigslist casual encounters like it's my job.
I was born with 12 fingers. No foolin', 12 actual fingers 1 ectra digit on each hand. It's a recessive trait that runs in the males on my mothers side of the family. The clinical term is Polydactyly. They were removed from my hands at about 2 years old. One one hand you can see a slight nub were one used to be. Sometimes, late a night, I lament their loss.......
I heart your hairy hands.
My favorite is the picture of you both laughing...perfect. I'd tell you all my secrets but I just posted them on my blog a few days ago.
Lets see. I used to be so afraid of public toilets that I wet myself on the bike ride home from the public library.
I keep my blog a secret from only one person and everyone knows that he doesn't know and I refer to him as The Bitch.
I masturbate into a bottle sometimes so that it doesn't create a mess.
I secretly do love myself a lot and wear a wristband that states "I Heart Shane".
I have an addiction to any and all sorts of migraine medication or anything to take away a headache and will take them at random sometimes.
I have pretended to be high to take advantage of someone.
My favorite song in the whole world to rock out to is "Believe" by Cher. In the car sitting in traffic or in my room with a hair brush as a microphone.....
Hmm...confessions. Well, to be honest, I don't know what the hype on you is, Jake. I want to meet your friend, Grant. There's something about a Brit who can jump...
That's Hot!
I also heart Shane, what a quink-e-dink!
I must confess that sometimes I just want to have a good old fashioned high school make out session ... complete with lots of tongue, under shirt feeling up, and handjobs.
i masturbated to your golden penis
linda
None of my friends know that I secretly like gettin' down with guys -- A LOT.
I am "average" weight and not hairy at all - but somehow I have excessive hair and cellulite on my ass and thighs.
I had the courage to leave my abusive ex-boyfriend, but I don't have the courage to date anyone else because my ex gave me warts. I sometimes think I ought to go back to him.
I have a thing for older guys and I blame my dad for that.. since he abandoned my family when I was a kid.
I enjoy the way my farts smell.
i identified jakes building from the post with the snow balls and went there and took a picture
i went to vegas and had sex with a hooker and a stripper (for free)
ok here we go i like to go to underground lesbian sex clubs and not tell anyone including my boyfriend and friends
jake you are the man and i do love your cock
I think blogs are stupid.
i masturbate to jake's nude photos.
i obsessively check my frequent flyer miles.
I have an unusually high bellybutton. I’m telling you, it’s ridiculous. Say I’m fully clothed and ask you to guess where it is. You’re at least 4 inches too low.
I lie about EVERYTHING- well not serious stuff but I tell people stuff like I've been to Israel, I sleep naked, I go to all the hot clubs, I speak Italian... all NOT true. Its pretty hard keeping the massive, complex web of lies straight
I am itching for a new post. Where? When? Why? Bring it on!
I was insanely jealous of that bitch you hooked up with on Road Rules.
Sometimes I read my ebay feedback just to see nice shit said about me.
When I'm drunk in a private bar bathroom, I'll dance like an idiot for about ten seconds while looking at myself in the mirror. But, you know, only if there's music.
I am just totally butt-crazy into you. Besides that When ever I sneeze my nipples get really erect & sensative. I thought it happened to everyone but I've asked around & nope it's just me.
Um & when I was young I used to steal from all my friends or trick them into playing games where they gave me thier stuff. Game scenario: why don't you hide in the closet & I'll pick something from your room to have...seriously fell for it everytime. I was 8 what can I say I was an evil mastermind back in the day.
I like to masturbate with a piece of warm buttered bread.
"Anonymous said...
I like to masturbate with a piece of warm buttered bread.
11:54 AM "
Omg..........that's prolly the most disgusting thing I have ever read.....................
And UpDATE alreadyyyyy.
Jake -
Considering how hairy your ass is, the hands are least of your issues. It's hot, though.
My thumbs are double jointed, and when I bend them backwards, it looks really freakish.
Whenever someone takes my hand and then moves it fast, I'll bend my thumb back and start screaming and going on that I think my thumb is broken. It totally looks it, so its great. 0:-)
Extra effective on people that I dont want touching me in the first place. :D
I want to kill myself. But I put up a facade to make people think I'm O.K.
I can't belive i'm even posting this but oh well. Frankly my own body freaks me out i hate my mirror so much. I'm freaked out that theres something wrong with me and that i don't look like eveyone else. So I have a kind of odd obsession to look at other people just to see if i'm normal. I don't know why i'm so scared that some one will be like "omg whats wrong with you" and yes i also sing to my ferret.
i accidentally let a friend watch me have lesbian sex with my roommate.
i have hairy hands too. and feet, but its weird, cos the rest of me is not that hairy, and i was in a pub one day and my ex-girlfriends friend said. 'you have hairy hands'. What am i supposed to say to that? 'oh you noticed.' i know i've got hairy hands, he's got some hair on his hands so has he, why don't you go and tell him you freaking mare. and she was from mongolia!
last mardi gras i had to piss really badly, and i'l already broken the seal. i'm sure ya'll know how that is, but after searching for about five minutes i was about to pee on myself so i went in this little alleyway between these two houses but it was too late. very embarrasing.
this is probally a little but much, even for the secrets blog...
i have been ashamed of this my whole life, when i was 16 i had sex with a dog.
but sometimes i still masterbate thinking about it
I like to sneak over to my neighbors house and raid his fridge.. Afterwards I make my way out to his yard (when he's not home)and I have sex with his dog and cut it's throat.
He's gone through 4 dogs since last november...
im had hairy hands i shaved them though
you should too it looks really
really bad
i have far hairier hands than you. i also have hair on the next knuckle along. people comment, who cares, i shaved them once and it looked awful. hell, i've even got a hairy hands facebook group. lol!
I'm a porn addict... Yikes, i know.
I'm a porn addict... Yikes, i know.
I'm a porn addict...
Can anyone out there give any advice? I know its wrong but i cant stop :(
I dont feel like i can tell anyone though, like family or anyone
Can anybody shed some light?
I need to turn my life around, starting now.
Theres so much that i know that i can give to the world, but this shit is stopping me from moving on...
So please; dont let someone else help me, PLEASE.
Thank you.
(advice urgently needed)
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