STORY: Quiz

NOTE: THESE PICTURES WERE TAKEN OF ME, NOT BY ME

Get ready… it’s time for lightning quiz number two.



Question: Why is Jake wringing out his underwear on the street at night?



Is it:
A) Because Grant lost his hat.
B) Because he’s a sucker for a bargain.
C) Because sometimes making new friends takes effort.
D) Because what happens in Budapest, stays in Budapest.
E) All of the above.


The correct answer is E, “All of the above.” Grant, Brian and I were in Budapest. Our local handlers promised us a wild night out, but the strip club they took us to was anything but. The girls were pushy (“Wanna dance? Wanna dance? Why not? Maybe in a minute?”), lazy (none of them could even make it through a whole song on the main stage) and tired (the yawns were plentiful and contagious)—a terrible combination for a strip club. To make matters worse, the only girl who was remotely friendly took Grant’s hat and refused to give it back.

I told him she’d give it back. She was just flirting.
He didn’t believe.
And he was starting to spaz.

So when one of the dancers approached me for the third time I offered her a deal. I’d never even been to a club that offered shower shows, so I’d happily buy one for $40US, so long as she promised to get Grant’s hat back when the dance was over.
“Deal. Wait here, I’m going to go get some towels,” she said.
By the time she came back, I was naked.
“What are you doing?!?” she screamed.
“What do you mean, I’m ready for the shower.”
“What? No, no, no… I shower. You watch.”
“Come on, that’s bullshit. You’ve probably showered already, I’m the dirty one.”
In all honesty, I was just excited to be naked in a strip club. Only Puffy gets to pull shit like that under normal circumstances…

After haggling for five more minutes, we came to an agreement. For $60US, I’d put my underwear back on and get in the shower with her—NO TOUCHING!—but I’d be the one dancing. Deal. It was on.



Big-ups to Brian Battjer, who had the nerve to pull out his super small camera and steal a flashless picture or two, even thought we’d been forced to check our cameras at the door and warned about the risks of rule breaking…

The next few minutes were a blur of water, awkward body moves, uncomfortable patrons and impressed strippers. But as best as I can remember, what happened is this:

She adjusted the temp and held the showerhead. We both got in and I started dancing.

I burnt myself on one of the pipes and screamed like a women.

For my own protection, she turned the water ice-cold. Then jacked my draws up and gave me a wedgie.

When I stopped dancing (I guess the girls weren’t the only ones who couldn’t make it through a whole song) she pulled my underwear off and began shouting. “Dance! Dance!’

I did the butt-slap move, she misinterpreted this to mean I liked being spanked and beat me with the shower head—I think dancers the world over secretly hate men.

When the song finally ended, I stepped out of the centrally located booth to the applause of my fellow dancers. Still naked, the hat thief put the hat on my head. Everyone was a winner. Except me of course, I had to limp home.



PS—I only wear thongs on special occasions.