STORY: Alfa-Smart

NOTE: I hope you find this even half as interesting as I do. I know its kind of text heavy though, and there’s not much payoff. Just bear with me, I’ve got some fun stuff planned for later in the week.


Meet my good friend Karin. She’s an award winning travel writer and one of the people Grant and I went to Finland with.



Some interesting things to know about Karin:
—She described her ideal man as being some kind of wealthy oil typhoon (who am I to knock someone though, in the “Golden Penis” post I admitted I’d never been to colage).
—She’s a little loopy at times… she actually caught her head on fire while trying to warm her hands after snowmobiling.
—You can see her in the background of my “What an Icehole” post.
—Everything she wears or owns seems to have cats on it.
—She had a penchant for walking around in nothing but a T-shirt. I repeat, NOTHING BUT A T-SHIRT. Eesh.

But perhaps most interesting of all was her allegiance to her ALFA-SMART. It’s like a keyboard without a computer that Karin totes everywhere to take notes on. Then when she gets home, she downloads ‘em.



Apparently, one of the things Karin likes taking notes on best were the conversations Grant and I would have between activities. She let me have a look… and it’s really fascinating. It’s a candid look at me and my man, as seen through the eyes of a sixty-something-year-old woman who only half knows what we’re talking about and can’t type fast enough to get the details. Still, I think it’s kind of funny. And, if I didn’t think she was super-cool before, she definitely won points by letting me post this. There are parts where I have no idea what she’s talking about though, but I still think it’s funny… anyway, without further ado, check it out:



We're traveling in a van to the Finlandia plant, it's a 45-minute drive out of the city and the scenery is becoming pure white. I'm listening to 2 of the young fellows amusing each other with their conversation. I feel somewhat privileged to be privy to the inside world of the male mind and cannot believe how Juvenile it is. The other guys are sleeping, but these 2 are amazing. Topics have included crapping in pants, changing the shape of their penises, Willy Wonka, rock stars, all of course interspersed with women. Ali G Show.

After inspecting the Finlandia bottling factory, and dining at the Finlandia Guesthouse, we're back in the traveling van. Once again the conversation reverted to cocks: iron cocks, soft ones, big ones, small, growers and showers. The sky is a gray vail over whiteness that is the only thing that brightens the dull landscape and it's beautiful. Ok, now the men are telling stories. Currently, Jake is telling his blanket story. Basically he shaved his entire hairy body because we're going to Lapland to and we'll all do a polar dip. He left the hair on a blanket, couldn’t wash it, put it in a bag, his roommate had a picnic on the hairy sheet.

Next story: Jake 's first use of a nose clipper was using a woman's nose clipper that she uses on her bikini line.

Story 2: We went into the Mnnix Club in Boston.

New singing groups: Velvet Revolver, The Prince of Media.

On this gray day we went dog mushing. It was so much better than the time in Canada. It was in the forest and we were completely covered: jumpsuits, long johns, jeans, 2 socks, boots, scarves, facemask, hat, and more. After all, it's -55F. Dressed like that, you don't feel a thing. The dogs went crazy when they saw us coming--barking and jumping about 2 feet high. All the dogs are chained to a stake and each has it's own little doghouse. Our dogs were harnessed to our sleds, 4 per sled.

Jake said sneaker collecting is hot now. Fat Joe has a huge collection that he keeps in a humidor. Sneakers are bought in three's (one to wear once, one as a trophy and one to wear. A Life Rivington Shoe Club for very fancy sneakers. The Museum of Jurassic Technology in NYC. In Philadelphia, Mutter Museum of deformities. He once drank a whole bottle of hot-sauce on a dare. It burned just as bad on the other side. Screaming. Baby-wipes. Grant can’t listen. He’s going to be sick.

Jake's success was being at the right place at the right time, no college education, but street smart. He was a temp at playboy, and part of his job was to monitor the executive bathroom. His boss, Henry Marks' was paranoid about anyone using his bathroom, so Jake had to see if anyone used his bathroom while he was gone. He had to sniff out the bathroom after someone passed by. He also had to buy mustache wax for him and comb his mustache. And he didn't trust email, so Jake had to print it out, Henry typed the answers on the page and Jake had to fax the answers back to their original senders.

We're in a 4-hour drive south to the Arctic Circle. The sun came out today and hung just above the horizon. /the sun looks large and yellow but it has a veil over it. The sky remains gray above it and below is the band of blue sky'. A Dutch oven is when you fart under a sheet then force your lovers head under.

Look at Ikeepadiary.com nerve.com fuctcompany.com

Toilet paper man lives outside Jake’s home. Flophouses were called that because if there was no room at the house, they hung a line and hung the drunks over the line.

Tonight’s restaurant is called Mecca. Black cubic, pink lit ceiling of squares. Most interesting was narrow strip of fire locked between large glass, not like a fireplace, but individual flames in a row.

Guy talk at the restaurant. Ever been pushed? (pushing a guy forward while they're peeing at the urinal and see what happens) Grant just did it to Jake. Jake used to pull guys back on roller-skates at the roller-skating ring. Most guys cant stop peeing. Jake got pee on his hands. Grant said he deserved it for throwing a yellow snowball at him.





PS—If you made it this far, you deserve to be among the chosen few to know that I’ve added some fun new stuff to the Polaroid section of my web-site jakebronstein.com. Check it out. I’m working on my portfolio all this week and next, so there should be some changes going on over there as well…